Hello everyone. It has been awhile since I posted, but not much new has been going on. I have been taking progesterone for the past two months in hopes that they can get my lining to the point where it can safely carry a baby. In the meantime, I have been trying to stay busy to keep my mind off of things. Brian and I have purchased a new home, so with the help of family, we have been fixing it up to our tastes. In addition, one of our foreign exchange students have arrived. We are picking the second one up from the airport tomorrow. This has already been a rewarding experience and we look forward to the next ten months we have them in our home.
The real reason I am writing is not to give an update, but to talk to you about being considerate of others. As we walk through the fair, or the mall, I see parents who are ignoring their kids because they are too busy on the phone, I see girls that are pregnant that can't be a day over 15. I see cute babies smiling at me behind their mama's back. This all hurts. Every baby I see, every pregnant woman... it ALL hurts. What bothers me most is when I hear people complaining about being pregnant, or talking about going to their doctor's appointments, etc. THIS HURTS. I want nothing more in my life than to be a mom. NOTHING MORE! There are times where I feel like people do this maliciously. I know it isn't true, but when you are going through the emotional roller coaster that I am, you can't help but have these feelings. Everything that has to do with babies seems like a personal attack against me. Please do not take this personally, but please take it seriously. I am hurting. And you are hurting me more! Very few of you understand what it is to want something SO BAD and not be able to have yet.... yet watch people who could really care one way or the other be blessed with the same thing you want. It is all overwhelming and painful.
On a more positive note, there is a girl that I know that went to the same fertility clinic that Brian and I go to. She is pregnant. This gives me hope that sometimes I lose for a moment.I try to think that... this could be me someday! Right now, I am hoping that in October we are able to go through with the IVF, but we have no idea if this will even be possible. It is hard not to get your hopes up when you know that it is this close to in your reach. However, that reach could be terminated with just one appointment.
I am a bit stressed out and down in the dumps today, if you haven't noticed. I ask that you keep us in your thoughts today as it is one of those days that you just get down in the dumps. I hope the next update I share can be more positive, but only time will tell how that goes.
-J
