Hurt

Hello everyone. It has been awhile since I posted, but not much new has been going on. I have been taking progesterone for the past two months in hopes that they can get my lining to the point where it can safely carry a baby. In the meantime, I have been trying to stay busy to keep my mind off of things. Brian and I have purchased a new home, so with the help of family, we have been fixing it up to our tastes. In addition, one of our foreign exchange students have arrived. We are picking the second one up from the airport tomorrow. This has already been a rewarding experience and we look forward to the next ten months we have them in our home.

The real reason I am writing is not to give an update, but to talk to you about being considerate of others. As we walk through the fair, or the mall, I see parents who are ignoring their kids because they are too busy on the phone, I see girls that are pregnant that can't be a day over 15. I see cute babies smiling at me behind their mama's back. This all hurts. Every baby I see, every pregnant woman... it ALL hurts. What bothers me most is when I hear people complaining about being pregnant, or talking about going to their doctor's appointments, etc. THIS HURTS. I want nothing more in my life than to be a mom. NOTHING MORE! There are times where I feel like people do this maliciously. I know it isn't true, but when you are going through the emotional roller coaster that I am, you can't help but have these feelings. Everything that has to do with babies seems like a personal attack against me. Please do not take this personally, but please take it seriously. I am hurting. And you are hurting me more! Very few of you understand what it is to want something SO BAD and not be able to have yet.... yet watch people who could really care one way or the other be blessed with the same thing you want. It is all overwhelming and painful.

On a more positive note, there is a girl that I know that went to the same fertility clinic that Brian and I go to. She is pregnant. This gives me hope that sometimes I lose for a moment.I try to think that... this could be me someday!  Right now, I am hoping that in October we are able to go through with the IVF, but we have no idea if this will even be possible. It is hard not to get your hopes up when you know that it is this close to in your reach. However, that reach could be terminated with just one appointment.

I am a bit stressed out and down in the dumps today, if you haven't noticed. I ask that you keep us in your thoughts today as it is one of those days that you just get down in the dumps. I hope the next update I share can be more positive, but only time will tell how that goes.

-J

More Waiting

Hi friends and family. Most of you probably know that I had an endometrial biopsy. That was very much not fun. The biopsy was done because PCOS causes menstrual problems. Well….. my cervical lining was really thick because of it. Because of its condition, the doctor was certain that I had hyperplasia. This is when the lining takes a plastic-like condition. Hyperplasia can be simple, which means that the cells have not turned cancerous. Or it can be atypical hyperplasia, which indicates that the cells are either pre-cancerous or cancerous. I found out today that, thankfully, I have simple hyperplasia. The doctor was surprised that the condition had only reached the point that it had. He explained that if it had been atypical, that there was a 40% chance that I would have a coexisting type of cancer. 

While this was phenomenal news, I was also given somewhat depressing news. No fertility ANYTHING for at least three months. I am being started on Provera. This is derived from the hormone progesterone. I will have to take it for 20 days, then be off of it for 10 days. This has to continue for three months. After this, we will be able to go through the in vitro fertilization.  So kind of good news, kind of not. At first I was pretty bummed out about all of this, but it truly is for the best. I will not be able to carry a baby in the condition I am in, and I cannot imagine the heartbreak of a miscarriage, so I know that this must be done, regardless of how much the waiting process kills me.

Enough of the medical stuff…. The latest in Brian and I’s life is that we are going to be hosting two exchange students!!! We decided that we hated living in a quiet house, and were yearning to have daily interaction with children (even teenagers-I know, we are crazy)…. So we debated between fostering and hosting an exchange student. Even though I have a deep desire to foster children, we decided that foreign exchange students would fit best with our life at the moment. We will be able to introduce their culture and make an influence in their life, while they will provide us with the full household that we desire. We are going to be fostering a 10^th grade girl from Thailand and a 9^th grade boy from China. I hope that each of you in our lives will accept these students with open arms and help us enrich their lives while they are with us for the school year.  We are looking for fun things to do with them, so any ideas would be appreciated. 

We are also going to be moving into our new house within the next couple of weeks!! (Technically, we haven’t got the appraisal back, so things could change…. But the lady at the mortgage company told us that she didn’t see a problem with it coming back okay). We are looking for some dressers, etc. for the student’s bedrooms, so if you have something you would like to sell us, please let me know! 

So for now, I will leave you all. I hope to keep updating this. I know that when the students are here, I will have lots of experiences to share, and hopefully after the treatments are done, I will have more to share about the baby situation. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers, we could always use a miracle.

-J

What if's

Hello everyone. Today was my biopsy. Talk about uncomfortable. I won't find out anything for two weeks. It seems like infertility is nothing but a waiting game that always results in disappointment. I know the waiting will be worth it in the end, but there are some days when it is just hard. I came home from the doctor's and slept for a couple hours. Not because I was tired, but because I just didn't want to think about it. It was just a hard day. I was flooded with thoughts starting about "what if...".

What if this biopsy doesn't come back normal?

What if I can't carry a baby?

What if this is the end of the road?

I tried to not let it bother me, but today, it was just hard. I am currently on 9 medication/vitamins. None of them are even fertility medicines right now. Every time I take a pill, I can't help but think about everything that is going on. I know that everything I am on is going to help in the long run, but the constant reminders are a lot to take each day.

I don't really have it in me to write much more today. I just wanted to give everyone a small update. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, we sure could use them.

-J

This video gives a glimpse into what it is like to suffer with infertility.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=JqfGqOx2iDQ#!

A New Day

There isn't much new going on in the baby realm. I have been staying busy lately and have found it to be helpful in keeping my mind off of things. Obviously there are several things that remind me of what I am going through- Pregnant ladies at the grocery store, mistakenly walking past the baby section at the store, commercials on TV, pictures of all of my friends cute kids on Facebook, songs on the radio, a car seat in the car I parked next to, a crazy kid screaming in the mall, you get it.... pretty much everything! It is in these times that I have to search deep in my soul to find the strength I need to not let them bother me. I stumbled across a quote on the internet today that couldn't fit my situation more perfectly:

"Sometimes you have to retreat to the sanctuary within  yourself, so that you can find the peace and strength to continue." 

It is in all of those moments that my emotions overtake me. But as each day goes on, I find myself focusing more on the possibilities and less on the hard parts of the situation. Don't get me wrong, it isn't always easy. I have nights where I want to curl up in a ball and just cry. And there are times when that is exactly what I do. But I try to remind myself in these times that I am here for a reason. And I WILL be a mommy. Nobody, and no medical condition will ever stop me from that! If I have to adopt, I will adopt. If I have to foster, I will foster. If these don't work out, and I have to steal somebody's child, I will steal them. Okay, maybe not the last one... but in all seriousness, I truly believe that if God does not bless me with a biological child, I will find another way to provide a child with the love and encouragement they need. If it ends up that I have to foster or adopt, I truly believe that it is God's will and the fact that I cannot conceive may be because I am willing to care for these children in need. I do hope that I can have my own baby, and I will do everything possible to conceive... but the options are there. 

On a side note, I go tomorrow for a pregnancy test. Not because I am pregnant, I already went through that disappointment for the month. But to  give me the clear to go ahead and move forward with in-vitro fertilization. It isn't going to be a quick path, but it is the path we are going to follow. The fact that there is a 70% chance we can get pregnant gives me hope. But the fact it is going to cost us around $13,000 scares the crap out of me. I don't know how we are going to do it, but we will have to come up with the money. I figure garage sales, selling off a few of our toys, and just saving money by not going out to eat, shopping as much, etc. should put a good dent in it. Do any of you have suggestions on ways an individual can raise a substantial amount of money. For whatever reason, most insurance companies, including ours, do not cover infertility treatments. There are some states that require insurance companies to cover these costs, but Michigan of course, is not one of them. Maybe Brian and I should pass on the house we just had an accepted offer on (!!!!!!!) and move to one of these states! ;) If only it were that easy. We won't let this stop us though, we will come up with the money. If you find me searching your couch cushions and dryer, please don't judge and pretend you didn't see me take the money :-p. 

Thanks for reading! 

-J

A little background

Because I couldn’t bottle up my feelings anymore, and I felt like nothing more than a burden to friends and family, I decided this would give me a way to get my feelings out. I debated whether to make this blog public, and decided, what the heck? I know that there is at least one other person out there that will read this and be able to relate to the feelings I am having. I want them to know that they are NOT alone! Infertility is something that nobody should have to tackle alone. And near or far, I am here to talk to anybody who needs it. For those who care, I won’t be worrying about spelling, grammar, or anything else…. It is just a flow of words that stem from my brain, heart, or unconsciousness, whatever comes out at the time…..  

Now, my story thus far:

Brian and I got married January 14, 2012. We started trying for a child shortly after. Sounds like fun, right? Well, after months of disappointment, I decided to see a doctor to figure out if there was something going on. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This causes numerous awful side effects, but the most devastating was INFERTILITY. I rushed home and Googled  PCOS. Every site I stumbled on, the only word I could comprehend was infertility.  Infertility. Infertility. Of course I thought, why me? Why us? We would both make great parents, and I have looked forward to being a mother from a very young age. Now, being a mother seemed more like a fairytale than a possibility.

I started taking 500mg of Metformin. It is actually a medicine used to treat Diabetes. In PCOS, you are insulin resistant. The doctor told me that this would take care of the problem. However, I have spent hours upon hours online and I knew this was too low of dose. I contacted the doctor’s office but was told that is all she would give me. A couple of months went by, and still no baby L. From here, I asked to be referred to an OB GYN. She immediately increased my Metformin to 1500mg and started me on Clomid, a fertility medicine. Many say that Clomid gives you a case of the crazies, or makes you overly emotional. I didn’t have too many side effects with it, but did have a couple of incidences that I could contribute to the Clomid crazies.

Month 1, no ovulation. Tears shed.  Hubby goes for semen analysis. Doctor’s office says they come back normal.

Month 2, fertility drugs increased. No ovulation. More tears.

Month 3, fertility drugs increased. No ovulation. More tears. Depression

Month 4, the OBGYN was out of ideas. We were referred to IVF Michigan- I went there today. This is how my visit went. First, I sat anxiously in the waiting room, the office was running behind, and my anxiousness increased every minute. Finally, they called my name. I went to the back and was seated in the Dr.’s office. More anxiousness waiting for him. Finally he entered. We said our hello’s and he started filling me on. First step would be fertility drugs- done that, didn’t work. Second step could be injectables to increase egg production- he explained this was a bad idea because it causes women with PCOS to produce high order multiples (quints, etc.) and this would lead to a very dangerous pregnancy. Our only option was in vitro fertilization. Oh, and since Brian’s semen analysis was so poor (WAIT, WHAT?!!). Evidently, my doctor’s office did not correctly discuss the results with me. He only produces 5% good sperm. So between this, and my PCOS, IVF is our ONLY option.

Alright, we can deal with this. The chances could be 70% for us to get pregnant. From here, I was ushered to another room for a pelvic ultrasound. This ultrasound revealed that my lining, which he would have liked at 4mm, was actually at 14mm. PCOS can cause hyperplasia and even cancer. I have an endometriotic biopsy Monday.

Until then…… I wait.  It seems like this whole situation has been a lot of waiting. A lot of waiting….. and a lot of tears. I find strength in those who talk to me about the issue. I don’t like bottling it inside. Through the help of a very dear friend *J*, I have been able to talk through a lot of the issues I have had dealing with such a difficult time. I like to say that I have accepted that whatever is meant to be, will happen. But every time somebody I know announces they are pregnant, I can’t help but feel my heart sink. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. I am so glad that they have been blessed with something so amazing, but I can’t help but think…. Why not me?

What I ask of you all, is please, don’t feel like you can’t talk to me about it. I have no problem talking about it, and it even helps me deal with things that are going on. The support I have received up to now has helped me deal with each tear that fell. Tonight, I am accepting of the situation. I know that everything happens for a reason. And that there is another plan for me if it doesn’t work out. Tomorrow might not be this easy.  And perhaps in another hour, it won’t be either….. but for now- Goodnight readers. Thanks for listening.