A little background

Because I couldn’t bottle up my feelings anymore, and I felt like nothing more than a burden to friends and family, I decided this would give me a way to get my feelings out. I debated whether to make this blog public, and decided, what the heck? I know that there is at least one other person out there that will read this and be able to relate to the feelings I am having. I want them to know that they are NOT alone! Infertility is something that nobody should have to tackle alone. And near or far, I am here to talk to anybody who needs it. For those who care, I won’t be worrying about spelling, grammar, or anything else…. It is just a flow of words that stem from my brain, heart, or unconsciousness, whatever comes out at the time…..  

Now, my story thus far:

Brian and I got married January 14, 2012. We started trying for a child shortly after. Sounds like fun, right? Well, after months of disappointment, I decided to see a doctor to figure out if there was something going on. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This causes numerous awful side effects, but the most devastating was INFERTILITY. I rushed home and Googled  PCOS. Every site I stumbled on, the only word I could comprehend was infertility.  Infertility. Infertility. Of course I thought, why me? Why us? We would both make great parents, and I have looked forward to being a mother from a very young age. Now, being a mother seemed more like a fairytale than a possibility.

I started taking 500mg of Metformin. It is actually a medicine used to treat Diabetes. In PCOS, you are insulin resistant. The doctor told me that this would take care of the problem. However, I have spent hours upon hours online and I knew this was too low of dose. I contacted the doctor’s office but was told that is all she would give me. A couple of months went by, and still no baby L. From here, I asked to be referred to an OB GYN. She immediately increased my Metformin to 1500mg and started me on Clomid, a fertility medicine. Many say that Clomid gives you a case of the crazies, or makes you overly emotional. I didn’t have too many side effects with it, but did have a couple of incidences that I could contribute to the Clomid crazies.

Month 1, no ovulation. Tears shed.  Hubby goes for semen analysis. Doctor’s office says they come back normal.

Month 2, fertility drugs increased. No ovulation. More tears.

Month 3, fertility drugs increased. No ovulation. More tears. Depression

Month 4, the OBGYN was out of ideas. We were referred to IVF Michigan- I went there today. This is how my visit went. First, I sat anxiously in the waiting room, the office was running behind, and my anxiousness increased every minute. Finally, they called my name. I went to the back and was seated in the Dr.’s office. More anxiousness waiting for him. Finally he entered. We said our hello’s and he started filling me on. First step would be fertility drugs- done that, didn’t work. Second step could be injectables to increase egg production- he explained this was a bad idea because it causes women with PCOS to produce high order multiples (quints, etc.) and this would lead to a very dangerous pregnancy. Our only option was in vitro fertilization. Oh, and since Brian’s semen analysis was so poor (WAIT, WHAT?!!). Evidently, my doctor’s office did not correctly discuss the results with me. He only produces 5% good sperm. So between this, and my PCOS, IVF is our ONLY option.

Alright, we can deal with this. The chances could be 70% for us to get pregnant. From here, I was ushered to another room for a pelvic ultrasound. This ultrasound revealed that my lining, which he would have liked at 4mm, was actually at 14mm. PCOS can cause hyperplasia and even cancer. I have an endometriotic biopsy Monday.

Until then…… I wait.  It seems like this whole situation has been a lot of waiting. A lot of waiting….. and a lot of tears. I find strength in those who talk to me about the issue. I don’t like bottling it inside. Through the help of a very dear friend *J*, I have been able to talk through a lot of the issues I have had dealing with such a difficult time. I like to say that I have accepted that whatever is meant to be, will happen. But every time somebody I know announces they are pregnant, I can’t help but feel my heart sink. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. I am so glad that they have been blessed with something so amazing, but I can’t help but think…. Why not me?

What I ask of you all, is please, don’t feel like you can’t talk to me about it. I have no problem talking about it, and it even helps me deal with things that are going on. The support I have received up to now has helped me deal with each tear that fell. Tonight, I am accepting of the situation. I know that everything happens for a reason. And that there is another plan for me if it doesn’t work out. Tomorrow might not be this easy.  And perhaps in another hour, it won’t be either….. but for now- Goodnight readers. Thanks for listening.