There isn't much new going on in the baby realm. I have been staying busy lately and have found it to be helpful in keeping my mind off of things. Obviously there are several things that remind me of what I am going through- Pregnant ladies at the grocery store, mistakenly walking past the baby section at the store, commercials on TV, pictures of all of my friends cute kids on Facebook, songs on the radio, a car seat in the car I parked next to, a crazy kid screaming in the mall, you get it.... pretty much everything! It is in these times that I have to search deep in my soul to find the strength I need to not let them bother me. I stumbled across a quote on the internet today that couldn't fit my situation more perfectly:
"Sometimes you have to retreat to the sanctuary within yourself, so that you can find the peace and strength to continue."
It is in all of those moments that my emotions overtake me. But as each day goes on, I find myself focusing more on the possibilities and less on the hard parts of the situation. Don't get me wrong, it isn't always easy. I have nights where I want to curl up in a ball and just cry. And there are times when that is exactly what I do. But I try to remind myself in these times that I am here for a reason. And I WILL be a mommy. Nobody, and no medical condition will ever stop me from that! If I have to adopt, I will adopt. If I have to foster, I will foster. If these don't work out, and I have to steal somebody's child, I will steal them. Okay, maybe not the last one... but in all seriousness, I truly believe that if God does not bless me with a biological child, I will find another way to provide a child with the love and encouragement they need. If it ends up that I have to foster or adopt, I truly believe that it is God's will and the fact that I cannot conceive may be because I am willing to care for these children in need. I do hope that I can have my own baby, and I will do everything possible to conceive... but the options are there.
On a side note, I go tomorrow for a pregnancy test. Not because I am pregnant, I already went through that disappointment for the month. But to give me the clear to go ahead and move forward with in-vitro fertilization. It isn't going to be a quick path, but it is the path we are going to follow. The fact that there is a 70% chance we can get pregnant gives me hope. But the fact it is going to cost us around $13,000 scares the crap out of me. I don't know how we are going to do it, but we will have to come up with the money. I figure garage sales, selling off a few of our toys, and just saving money by not going out to eat, shopping as much, etc. should put a good dent in it. Do any of you have suggestions on ways an individual can raise a substantial amount of money. For whatever reason, most insurance companies, including ours, do not cover infertility treatments. There are some states that require insurance companies to cover these costs, but Michigan of course, is not one of them. Maybe Brian and I should pass on the house we just had an accepted offer on (!!!!!!!) and move to one of these states! ;) If only it were that easy. We won't let this stop us though, we will come up with the money. If you find me searching your couch cushions and dryer, please don't judge and pretend you didn't see me take the money :-p.
Thanks for reading!
-J
You are hilarious and such an encouragement. If one of my children ever comes up missing, I will be waddling my wide butt down to look for them (but not right away- I might take a nap first! Ha!). ;) I love you friend, and not only are you going to be a mommy, but an AMAZING mommy. I cannot wait to meet your baby, like I've been saying. Your positivity is inspiring. God is leading you down this path for a reason, whatever it may be, but in doing so, He will also provide a way. He always does. <3 Love you!
ReplyDeleteOne of your children?! I couldn't pick between them, so I might have to steal both! You have been such a rock for me to lean on through this whole thing, especially on my way to acceptance of the situation. You have been there for me through all of the times, the easy ones, and especially the hard. I could not ask for a better friend and I want you to know how special you are to me!! Thank you so much for always being there for me. I appreciate you and I love you so much!!! You are amazing!
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely new to this and just now learning about your struggles. so I have to ask... any way of a saraget (.sp??) I hated being pregnant and honestly don't want to do it again but reading this made me wanna cry and I wouldn't even second guess doing it for you if it could happen Or was possible. there are so many people who easily get pregnant when someone like you who in the whole world deserves a child Jessica. you are inmy prayers and I hope with every last prayer you will get your little baby :) <3. love you!
ReplyDeleteA surrogate would be possible if I am unable to carry, but I am pretty sure the cost of those is tens of thousands of dollars, sometimes exceeding 100,000 dollars. There is absolutely no way that we could afford that. I haven't really looked into it much as I hope that I am able to carry. If not, I will find out in a couple of weeks. The hardest part of this is obviously the emotions, but the second hardest part is the fact that insurance does not help. It makes no sense, they won't pay for fertility treatments, but how about the emotional damage that infertility causes. I am sure that it drives many women into depression, and of course insurance will cover that. I hate waiting to find out, that is what drives me crazy. I can deal with the situations as they come, but I cannot deal with the waiting. I try to stay busy but it is easier than it sounds.
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